A Tentative Path Forward

As I fumbled my way around the kitchen yesterday morning, grabbing my things for work (I forgot my phone), I accidentally met the eyes of the oldest of my boyfriend's kids, his ten-year-old daughter. For that brief moment, everything I felt the need to tell her, but could not, came boiling up to the surface. All the panic and fear and sadness and rage and confusion. I physically choked and turned away. I couldn't say anything. "You look tired," she said, probably because my face was swollen from all the crying I had done before I finally went to bed at about 1:30 the night before. "I was up late," I told her. The rest of what I need to say will have to wait until tonight, when we sit down with them to talk about what this election might mean.

While I think most people are handling the results of the election a little better than I have, the general sentiment seems to be similar: devastation, heart-ache, fear, confusion, anger, courage and comfort. I scrolled down facebook yesterday and read one post after another, all with these similar themes. It was almost like a mantra, a drum beat:

I'm scared
I'm sad
I'm furious
We'll protect the vulnerable. Don't give up hope.

I'm scared
I'm sad
I'm furious
We love our country. Don't give up hope.

I'm scared
I'm sad
I'm furious
We'll find a path forward. Don't give up hope.

Part of me wants to focus on those first three lines, and that first line in particular. God, I am so scared. Maybe, for my own therapy, I'll write down my fears. Maybe if I give those monsters in my head some existence as words on a page, they'll be easier for me to manage. But that's not an exercise that will help anyone else. What may help, though, is focusing on that fourth line, the sentiment of those brave, kind souls who are looking at this horrible situation and already working to solve it. They're warriors, and they've given me tremendous comfort as I try to process this. They're right.

We'll find a path forward. Don't give up hope.

One of the things I'm struggling most with is a sense powerlessness. Whenever we've complained about problems plaguing our nation or our world, the response was always "get out and vote." While I agree that every vote counts, I think we've fallen into this sense of complacency: all we have to do is vote, and those we elect will solve the problems of the world themselves. We've lost that sense of empowerment that, in our every day lives, we too can make a difference. Already, the rhetoric has begun that he can't be THAT bad, that he probably just said those awful things to get elected, that actually, he might make a decent President. But this is a man whose campaign promises include targeting gays, Hispanics, Blacks, Muslims, and immigrants. He is held in check only by a group who have spoken against him in the past but may easily be swayed to support him when they see the power of his followers. We can't rely on this man to become a good leader. We HAVE to rely on our own power to change our communities.  Peace begins at home, and now more than ever, we need to foster it.

We'll find a path forward. Don't give up hope.

I want to help this belief the best I can, even if I'm doubting myself. So I've written down a few ideas I'm going to try out that, in some small way, might make things better. It's an attempt at self-empowerment, and it might amount to nothing if we start seeing a worst case scenario, but right now, I'm trying to maintain some faith in America, and I also have to have faith in myself.  

 Hilariously, I started this before reading a very similar Huffington Post article (Volunteer was #1 for both of us), so if you don't feel like reading this, read that instead!

1. Volunteer

I want to have a positive impact on my community. I want to protect it. I want to heal it. The best way to do that, I guess, is to actually get involved in it. So I went to idealist.org, a website that lists volunteer opportunities as well as jobs for, well, idealists. There weren't THAT many volunteer opportunities listed in my area, but I did see that Girls on the Run is looking for volunteers for their annual 5k next week. In the midst of this terrible situation, the opportunity to support an organization dedicated to helping girls improve their health and self-esteem felt like a miracle. I signed up immediately. After this, I'm hoping to continue looking for opportunities and maybe eventually find something I can support on a regular basis.

2. Buy Local, Buy Ethical

Let's face it, we are not going to see an increase in minimum wage any time soon. And with the tax changes Trump has proposed, it's highly likely that even more of our dollars will end up in the pockets of billionaire executives when we buy from large businesses. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to buy anything I can from small businesses and ethical businesses. Before I turn to Amazon, I'm going to pound the pavement of old town Manassas and maybe Occoquan to find Christmas gifts. Before I head to Home Depot for home supplies, I'm going to see if I can find them at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore.  For things where you almost need to go with a big business, like groceries, I'm going to try to stick with businesses like Costco and Whole Foods which are known for their good business practices and fair wages.

Yesterday I needed a cheeseburger and fries. I don't know why, but the concept of stuffing my face with greasy comfort food from my childhood just seemed like the only way to keep going. I could have gone to a lot different places, but I decided to try this little hole-in-wall family-owned restaurant down the road from my office. It was good and it was cheap, and the lady who rang me up was really sweet. I don't know how big a difference it makes to buy from a privately owned business rather than a chain, but it made me feel good. 

3. Be Nice to Yourself

Completely ignore the cheeseburger thing. I've been trying to focus on my health more lately, and now more than ever I think it's important to continue that. I'm afraid of how this presidency will affect my mental health. "Grab a woman by the pussy" was not actually a campaign promise, it was something Trump said years ago, and it was part of a pattern of misogynistic rhetoric which we have no reason to believe will suddenly stop now. I know that if I allow it to, his commentary on women's bodies will hurt me. His mockery of mental health issues will hurt even more. And when those vicious thoughts become more socially accepted, and repeated at work and on the radio and on the web, it's going to be so hard for me to keep my thoughts positive and healthy. But I have to, not just for me, but for the three girls living in my house who might start to hear comments about how a woman's menstruation cycle is a weakness. I'm going to continue to prioritize my health by exercising and eating well (allowing for comfort cheeseburgers) as well as generally being kind to myself and reminding myself that I'm a good, strong person and I really am as good as a man.

4. Be Nice to Others, Including Trump Supporters

Maybe the hardest one for me. I'm so angry right now. I want to grab my Trump-voting coworkers by the collars of their shirts, push them against the wall, and scream, "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY FAMILY? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY FRIENDS?" But of course they don't, and they probably never will. As anti-LGBT legislature is rolled out and racial tensions rise in the first months of Trump's presidency, as a generation of young girls sees their worth valued by their appearance, no one is going to say, "Man guys, I'm really sorry. That was a bad idea." As much as I wish screaming will change that, it won't. It will only make things worse. So instead, I'm going to try my best to be nicer to my coworkers, to strangers at the store, even to that guy in an '87 Ford with a Trump sticker and aggressive driving tendencies. I can't let myself fall into an Us vs. Them mentality. If I dismiss half this nation as a bunch of racist monsters, I will never be able to foster peace and healing in my community. I have to believe that most of the people who voted for Trump are good people, capable of helping to restore this country alongside those of us who opposed him (they are). 

I'm also going to try to be nicer and more friendly in general. I tend to walk with my head down and avoid conversation. I'm going to do my best to make eye contact and smile at strangers, ask people how their day is going, dish out compliments, stop for passers by in the parking lot, etc. I think if we all do this, we can defy Trump's culture of bullying and foster a sense that we are a United nation, ready to protect and support all our members, whatever their race, religion, gender, orientation, or ability.

The fact is, no matter what I do, I won't make as big of impact on this world as Trump will. But I can do my best to fight his hate and care for the people around me. It's time to foster love and peace. It's time for forgiveness, for friendship, for action.

We'll find a path forward. Don't give up hope.