Monday, July 22, 2013

Kate Gets a Little Belligerent at a Soccer Game, Isn't Drunk

Let's face it, Internet. This world can throw a lot of bullshit at us. It's tough to keep up with all the divorce and war and sexual harassment cases you just don't feel like bringing before a court, and at times, things can get a little overwhelming. You cope however you can. Sometimes you grab drinks with your friends and bitch about the day, sometimes you turn off the news and call your family to see how they're doing, sometimes you lock the door to the bathroom and settle into the tub with a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and sometimes you tell a total stranger something along the lines of, "Fuck you, and the horse you rode on, you goddamn cocksucker."

If you're me, it's not really "along those lines" as much as very specifically those lines, and the total stranger is someone you just played soccer with. And the thing you're coping with is the fact that life just sent you one fucking asshole too many and the last one in line truly ought to be grateful that you can't throw a punch because if you could, swear to Christ, bitch, you'da just thrown down on his ass and taught him exactly how fucking funny he is. But again that's if you're me. Because that, folks, was my Sunday evening.

Things started out well. I'm playing in a soccer tournament in a few weeks, and I've been trying to improve my game in this rec league I play in with my brother. This is important fact No. 1. A "rec league" generally means a co-ed league of players who are legitimately just out to get some exercise and maybe make friends or network with coworkers or justify that trip to Coldstone. There are some really great players in rec league, but mostly it's those of us who played back in high school or college and want to continue playing without enduring the pressure and strenuous demands of a competitive league. A lot of players show up for a game with their team and then stick around to play for somebody else, because team rankings don't mean shit, and almost everybody is out to have fun.
So yesterday I tra-la-la'ed onto the field, a little worse than usual because my left quad was sore. Not really a big deal. Unfortunately, as I ran I was favoring my left leg which quickly earned me a pulled glut on my right side. I was now no longer precisely having fun, but my team needed to have a certain number of girls on the field at all times, and we were already short, so I stayed in. But during the second half I switched to goal because, hey man, if you can't run, just stand in the box and wave your arms. That's when the humiliation began. 
Now mind you, I don't like getting scored on, because who does? (Answer: no one) But it's not the end of the world when a ball goes in. Usually a score is done with class and dignity and respect. But the team we were playing did not embrace these things. To begin with, they were "sandbagging" aka joining a league way below their level of play so that they could beat up on rec teams with half their ability and feel really great about themselves. And they were hyper-aggressive and competitive. In the first half, not only did they routinely race down the field with more speed than our fastest player, but one of them also almost started a fight with my brother when he kicked the ball away as my brother was setting up a free kick. (translation: the ball was not in play at the time. My brother was just putting into the right position and someone decided, "fuck it, time to be a complete cock.")
In the second half I got stuck in one of those situations goalies absolutely hate. A guy broke away from all the defenders and barreled straight at me with the ball. I came out and slid to try to stop him, but the ball slipped through my hands and he jumped over me. Well, good for him. That's a success story for any offensive player, and one of those things goalies just have to deal with. But then, as I struggled back to my feet, I turned to see that he had not scored. Instead, he was slowly dragging the ball onto the goal line. He then got down on his hands and knees and pushed the ball into the goal with his nose, while I watched, jaw hanging open, so shocked that I had no idea what to do. 

I will take to my grave my regret that I did not kick that smarmy mother fucker right in his goddamn fucking waste of an air passage. He thought it was funny. I was so humiliated I almost couldn't finish the game. Oh, and then I got scored on some more.
So after we finished what was almost certainly the worst game of my life, I exchanged some "good games," and "nice work" with other team, and walked past the asshole on my way to get my stuff. (He had subsequently earned himself a yellow card for being fuckhead.) As he stared up at me, I had the distinct and unequivocal pleasure of uttering a phrase that so many people deserve to hear but never do, "Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on, you goddamn cocksucker." Honestly, I regret the "cocksucker" comment. Sexual practices don't really make good insults unless you're saying something like "date rapist" or "pedophile" or, I don't know, "Way older dude that only hits on 16-19 year olds." (Personally I think "date rapist" really needs some more mileage, and I'm going to try to use it more often.) 

Anyway, the moral of the story, kids, is that sometimes you don't realize that the joke that makes you feel good might actually be totally soul-crushing to somebody else. And if you do it to the wrong person, god knows they might be going through a rough divorce or a med adjustment and decide it's time to test drive a what its like to have a restraining order a la kicking you in your goddamn face. 
And on the other hand, guys, I know we all try every day to be good, decent human beings who forgive and move on in the face of injustice. We should keep that up. But personally I will understand if once in a while you just have to cuss some bitch out. It doesn't make the world a better place, but, you know, we're none of us perfect.

Oh, and if you're curious as to what happened next, he said, "you can't be like that!" And I said "Oh, I can!" And then he jumped up and tried to run over to me but his team mate pulled him away. What would have happened if he wasn't dissuaded from further confrontation? I'd like to believe it would have been one of the most epic football brawls in the history of all football brawls. But probably I would have just called him a "cocksucker" again, and then I'd feel bad about myself. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

Why Hawkgirl is the Coolest: a Terrifying Glimpse into Kate's Mind

Good afternoon and Happy Friday, Internet!

It's been a long while since I updated this blog. I would explain that it's because I've been terribly busy, but that would be a straight up lie. I would also say that I'm sorry, but that would also be a lie. Like, not as bad of a lie: I'm a little sorry. But I'm not that sorry. Because if I was really sorry I would have blogged earlier. And I haven't. Sooooo take that as you will.

Anyway, I've been feeling kind of separated from my nerdom lately, and it's been painful. I haven't been able to LARP in months and in fact, this weekend, will be missing a LARP once again. On top of that I've stopped playing video games because I realized that as hilarious as it is coming up with new swear words that marginally transgress outside the English language (I believe I screamed, "fuck a faigg gog cock" the other night), that extra dose of homicidal rage is not something I need in my life right now. I also haven't been interested in costuming lately, and worst of all, today I cancelled my reservation for Dragon*Con because I officially can't afford it. Essentially, life is getting in the way of my adult childhood and it fucking sucks.


I never really liked Justice League. I'm a Marvel girl. I read Marvel, I watch Marvel, and I've been in love with the X-Men since I was like 6 years old.  Wait let me do the math on first came out in 1992, and I was....Yup, since I was 6 years old.
Anyway, the Justice League just never appealed to me. I didn't know any the characters, they all seemed like a bunch of goody two-shoes, and Superman just seemed like an arrogant self-righteous prick (still does, sort of). But recently my BF insisted that I check out an episode of the Justice League Unlimited on Netflix. It was about The Question, one of his all time favorite comic book characters. So I watched it. And then I watched the next episode, and the next. And I quickly discovered that Warner Brothers had done something brilliant with this early aughts T.V. show (and its predecessor Justice League). They had brought together iconic heroes and given them a new, eye-catching animated style. They choreographed good fight scenes, wrote compelling stories, and included some cute self-deprecating jokes. And every fucking episode includes at least one hilarious sex joke that goes straight over the heads of the intended audience. It's AWESOME.

But the most important thing about JLU is that it introduced me to Hawkgirl. Now, Hawkgirl is not my favorite comic book character ever. That spot is and always has been reserved for Rogue, who sits upon a throne of my childhood and adult emotions about strength, gender, friendship, and badassitude and looks down upon my ever action, letting me know that life is what it is and everything will be all right not because it will get better, but because I have the power to make it better. This post could easily be about her, but some mother fucker named Brett White has beaten me to the punch with basically the best article ever written about Why Rogue is Awesome and I just can't top him.

Anyway, so let's talk about Hawkgirl for a minute and how I want to be her.
Girl, look at dat body. Source 
Exhibit 1. Powers.
Hawkgirl has two powers: wings and a motherfucking mace. THOSE ARE THE TWO COOLEST FUCKING POWERS EVER. Like, Jesus Christ, are you seriously gonna sit here and tell me, "Well actually I'd rather have laser eyes." Fuck you, you goddamn Superman/Cyclops fan, you have no imagination and you probably like the smell of a dirty crotch. Wings and a mace are hands down the best powers ever. Since I was a kid, I've always wanted to have wings. Not just to fly, but specifically to have wings and fly. It's just cooler that way. And as far as combat goes, what better way to fight is there than to straight smash your enemies in the fucking face with a spiked metal ball? Hawkgirl might also have a power of healing or toughness or something because she gets thrown into buildings and cars and shit on the reg, but that's never been made clear to me, so I'm going to guess she survives all that because she's a badass and eats rocks for breakfast. Whatever the reason, I'm ok with getting thrown into a building in exchange for superpowers, so it's cool.

Exhibit 2. Appearance
Hawkgirl has green eyes and red hair. I have green eyes. I sometimes have red hair. Clearly I'm already halfway there.

Exhibit 3. Attitude
Most episodes, Hawkgirl has two abilities: beating fuckers with a mace and insulting the hell out of anyone she doesn't like (often times unintentionally). Sometimes she has two abilities: beating fuckers with a mace and getting the absolute shit kicked out her when she gets thrown into a building. Sometimes she has two abilities: beating fuckers with a mace and absolutely beating the fuck out of anything, metal or flesh, that makes the sad mistake of getting in her fucking way. With a mace. Point is, at not time is she not a straight metal badass, and that's what I aspire to be, every goddamn day of my life that I'm not going to my 9-5 job and worrying about calories and checking my bank account and stuff.

Exhibit 4. Tragic History
Every superhero has a tragedy. It's an entrance-level requirement. Hawkgirl's tragedy is that her people decided to destroy Humanity and at first she took their side, but then she was like, "oh wait, no," and took humanity's side and basically caused her people to lose this gigantic galactic war and most of them died and they won't talk to her anymore and also most of the Justice League are like, "Fuck you, Hawkgirl, even if you do have wings." So she's very lonely and confused and she's not sure what to do, and all she really can do is beat fuckers with her mace which she does, and does well, but still. It's tough.
While most people do not hate me, and I do not hit things with a mace, on a regular basis I will attempt to do the right thing and then realize it's making people upset and then try to do something else to make things better only to make other people upset and basically end up in a conundrum where I just want to hide or, in the alternative, beat fuckers with a mace. Hawkgirl is actually an alien, but her tragedy is very Human and relateble, and I totally get it.

In Conclusion
Hawkgirl is like my comic book character animal spirit guide. If I were a superhero I would be just like her. If I can't be a superhero, I still really wish I could meet and we could be best friends and have a bromance where we drink lots of beers together and then get into a bar fight on Christmas Eve. 

If I were to meet Hawkgirl, here is how I think the conversation would go.
Kate: Hawkgirl, you're so awesome! Will you please, please hang out with me?
Hawkgirl: ...Who the fuck are you?

Hopefully she would not hit me with her mace.