Thursday, November 10, 2016

A Tentative Path Forward

As I fumbled my way around the kitchen yesterday morning, grabbing my things for work (I forgot my phone), I accidentally met the eyes of the oldest of my boyfriend's kids, his ten-year-old daughter. For that brief moment, everything I felt the need to tell her, but could not, came boiling up to the surface. All the panic and fear and sadness and rage and confusion. I physically choked and turned away. I couldn't say anything. "You look tired," she said, probably because my face was swollen from all the crying I had done before I finally went to bed at about 1:30 the night before. "I was up late," I told her. The rest of what I need to say will have to wait until tonight, when we sit down with them to talk about what this election might mean.

While I think most people are handling the results of the election a little better than I have, the general sentiment seems to be similar: devastation, heart-ache, fear, confusion, anger, courage and comfort. I scrolled down facebook yesterday and read one post after another, all with these similar themes. It was almost like a mantra, a drum beat:

I'm scared
I'm sad
I'm furious
We'll protect the vulnerable. Don't give up hope.

I'm scared
I'm sad
I'm furious
We love our country. Don't give up hope.

I'm scared
I'm sad
I'm furious
We'll find a path forward. Don't give up hope.

Part of me wants to focus on those first three lines, and that first line in particular. God, I am so scared. Maybe, for my own therapy, I'll write down my fears. Maybe if I give those monsters in my head some existence as words on a page, they'll be easier for me to manage. But that's not an exercise that will help anyone else. What may help, though, is focusing on that fourth line, the sentiment of those brave, kind souls who are looking at this horrible situation and already working to solve it. They're warriors, and they've given me tremendous comfort as I try to process this. They're right.

We'll find a path forward. Don't give up hope.

One of the things I'm struggling most with is a sense powerlessness. Whenever we've complained about problems plaguing our nation or our world, the response was always "get out and vote." While I agree that every vote counts, I think we've fallen into this sense of complacency: all we have to do is vote, and those we elect will solve the problems of the world themselves. We've lost that sense of empowerment that, in our every day lives, we too can make a difference. Already, the rhetoric has begun that he can't be THAT bad, that he probably just said those awful things to get elected, that actually, he might make a decent President. But this is a man whose campaign promises include targeting gays, Hispanics, Blacks, Muslims, and immigrants. He is held in check only by a group who have spoken against him in the past but may easily be swayed to support him when they see the power of his followers. We can't rely on this man to become a good leader. We HAVE to rely on our own power to change our communities.  Peace begins at home, and now more than ever, we need to foster it.

We'll find a path forward. Don't give up hope.

I want to help this belief the best I can, even if I'm doubting myself. So I've written down a few ideas I'm going to try out that, in some small way, might make things better. It's an attempt at self-empowerment, and it might amount to nothing if we start seeing a worst case scenario, but right now, I'm trying to maintain some faith in America, and I also have to have faith in myself.  
 Hilariously, I started this before reading a very similar Huffington Post article (Volunteer was #1 for both of us), so if you don't feel like reading this, read that instead!

1. Volunteer
I want to have a positive impact on my community. I want to protect it. I want to heal it. The best way to do that, I guess, is to actually get involved in it. So I went to idealist.org, a website that lists volunteer opportunities as well as jobs for, well, idealists. There weren't THAT many volunteer opportunities listed in my area, but I did see that Girls on the Run is looking for volunteers for their annual 5k next week. In the midst of this terrible situation, the opportunity to support an organization dedicated to helping girls improve their health and self-esteem felt like a miracle. I signed up immediately. After this, I'm hoping to continue looking for opportunities and maybe eventually find something I can support on a regular basis.

2. Buy Local, Buy Ethical
Let's face it, we are not going to see an increase in minimum wage any time soon. And with the tax changes Trump has proposed, it's highly likely that even more of our dollars will end up in the pockets of billionaire executives when we buy from large businesses. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to buy anything I can from small businesses and ethical businesses. Before I turn to Amazon, I'm going to pound the pavement of old town Manassas and maybe Occoquan to find Christmas gifts. Before I head to Home Depot for home supplies, I'm going to see if I can find them at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore.  For things where you almost need to go with a big business, like groceries, I'm going to try to stick with businesses like Costco and Whole Foods which are known for their good business practices and fair wages.
Yesterday I needed a cheeseburger and fries. I don't know why, but the concept of stuffing my face with greasy comfort food from my childhood just seemed like the only way to keep going. I could have gone to a lot different places, but I decided to try this little hole-in-wall family-owned restaurant down the road from my office. It was good and it was cheap, and the lady who rang me up was really sweet. I don't know how big a difference it makes to buy from a privately owned business rather than a chain, but it made me feel good. 

3. Be Nice to Yourself
Completely ignore the cheeseburger thing. I've been trying to focus on my health more lately, and now more than ever I think it's important to continue that. I'm afraid of how this presidency will affect my mental health. "Grab a woman by the pussy" was not actually a campaign promise, it was something Trump said years ago, and it was part of a pattern of misogynistic rhetoric which we have no reason to believe will suddenly stop now. I know that if I allow it to, his commentary on women's bodies will hurt me. His mockery of mental health issues will hurt even more. And when those vicious thoughts become more socially accepted, and repeated at work and on the radio and on the web, it's going to be so hard for me to keep my thoughts positive and healthy. But I have to, not just for me, but for the three girls living in my house who might start to hear comments about how a woman's menstruation cycle is a weakness. I'm going to continue to prioritize my health by exercising and eating well (allowing for comfort cheeseburgers) as well as generally being kind to myself and reminding myself that I'm a good, strong person and I really am as good as a man.

4. Be Nice to Others, Including Trump Supporters
Maybe the hardest one for me. I'm so angry right now. I want to grab my Trump-voting coworkers by the collars of their shirts, push them against the wall, and scream, "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY FAMILY? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY FRIENDS?" But of course they don't, and they probably never will. As anti-LGBT legislature is rolled out and racial tensions rise in the first months of Trump's presidency, as a generation of young girls sees their worth valued by their appearance, no one is going to say, "Man guys, I'm really sorry. That was a bad idea." As much as I wish screaming will change that, it won't. It will only make things worse. So instead, I'm going to try my best to be nicer to my coworkers, to strangers at the store, even to that guy in an '87 Ford with a Trump sticker and aggressive driving tendencies. I can't let myself fall into an Us vs. Them mentality. If I dismiss half this nation as a bunch of racist monsters, I will never be able to foster peace and healing in my community. I have to believe that most of the people who voted for Trump are good people, capable of helping to restore this country alongside those of us who opposed him (they are). 
I'm also going to try to be nicer and more friendly in general. I tend to walk with my head down and avoid conversation. I'm going to do my best to make eye contact and smile at strangers, ask people how their day is going, dish out compliments, stop for passers by in the parking lot, etc. I think if we all do this, we can defy Trump's culture of bullying and foster a sense that we are a United nation, ready to protect and support all our members, whatever their race, religion, gender, orientation, or ability.

The fact is, no matter what I do, I won't make as big of impact on this world as Trump will. But I can do my best to fight his hate and care for the people around me. It's time to foster love and peace. It's time for forgiveness, for friendship, for action.

We'll find a path forward. Don't give up hope.

Monday, November 7, 2016

These "Intelligent People Are Messy" Memes Make Me Feel Stupid

My recently departed grandmother has sent a message from her grave letting me know that my intelligence is, at best, mediocre.

Until I moved into my new house, I didn't really think all that much about my relationship with cleaning. When I lived in a 400 square foot apartment, cleaning was a necessity ( a few items out of place and my floor was covered), but it wasn't really a big deal. I could pick the place up and have everything tucked away in an hour or so. I could scrub and disinfect it in less than a day. An entire house is different. The bathrooms alone are an exhausting afternoon's worth of work (and they still don't look good). Vacuuming three levels of floors is best split over two days. The kitchen and dining room are a constant battle of Clorox wipes, crumbs, ants, emptying and reloading a dishwasher, sweeping, asking why there is a plastic unicorn sitting in a pile of cereal under the chair, etc. As my boyfriend and I struggle to stay on top of it all (sometimes failing: the main bathroom is in need of some bleach and the cobwebs on the stairs are atrocious), I'm realizing how important cleaning is for my mental health.

In my old apartment, it wasn't the residue of old sauces built up on the stove or my clothes forming a second carpet on the floor or a terrifying collection of hair gathering in the bathtub that told me it was time to clean; it was my anxiety. Whenever I reached a point where I was having trouble breathing and unsure if I could walk out the door to go to work, I would take a deep breath and start cleaning. Sometimes it was a quick job of clearing up clutter; sometimes it was a purge of scalding water and asphyxiating chemicals. Sometimes I was singing to music as I worked. Sometimes I was trying not to cry. Whatever the process, the results were the same: when the room was clean, my anxiety was better. Even if everything that was wrong before I started cleaning was still wrong after, having a vacuumed floor without a trace of plastic food wrappers made it all feel manageable. It's the same now. Whenever I see a cleared floor space or a scrubbed counter surface, I feel more in control of my situation. I'm better able to handle what's happening in my world. Clutter and messes trigger my anxiety. Cleaning helps me manage it.

Recently, I've been noticing a lot more memes regarding how intelligent people are statically more messy and therefore messiness is a sign of intelligence. I realize that most of the people sharing them are innocently passing this along as a joke, usually with a facebook status of "I must be a genius, lol" or something along those lines. Others, I suppose, are justifying their perfectly reasonable choice to focus on other things in their life besides cleaning. No one is purposefully sending a message that my need to keep things in order is an indication that I'm less intelligent than they are. But for me, that's the message all the same. I'm trying to set a good example for the children I'm living with, and I'm trying to keep myself mentally and physically healthy, and I see these memes and wonder how much intelligence and creativity I'm wasting when I choose to scrub a toilet rather than start a new creative project or read a book. It's something I've been struggling with a lot for the past few weeks. Am I a bad role model for coping with my anxiety by putting things away? Am I less intelligent and less creative than my friends who aren't inhibited by a mental illness-induced fear of clutter? Last night as we were saying good night to my boyfriend's oldest, I saw paperweight on her desk with the engraving, "A Cluttered Desk is a Sign of Genius." Apparently she grabbed it last weekend from a collection of items being given away from my deceased grandmother's estate. Grandma has let me know her thoughts on the matter; she thinks my decision to keep things clean is a sign that I'm an idiot.

Damn.

For right now, I'm going to ignore Grandma's ghost and keep cleaning. Tonight, if I can get home quickly, and get dinner on the table in a reasonable time, I'm hoping to finally vacuum the cobwebs off the stairs. It's annoying and it's not as fun as starting a new project, but when I'm finished I'll look at those stairs and think about how I really do have a handle on my life. Maybe that feeling of empowerment and happiness isn't as good as feeling smart, but it's good enough for me.